Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Dr. Jekel.....or is it Mr. Hyde?

In the wee hours of the morning, I awoke with a full belly, an achy back and a really gross, wet feeling in the nether regions. I rolled my miserable little self out of bed and straight into the bathroom....only to find my lower half streaked with blood. I cleaned myself up and wondered to myself IS THIS NORMAL?!?!?!?

The past few visits from my monthly friend (or should I say enemy) have been excruciating. Not only has there been cramps and bloating and fatigue but OMG with the flow. This morning I wondered if I gave birth in my sleep....it is that bad.

Every month the symptoms intensify. The first month I thought it could have been the weather that made the cramping and bloating seem worse. The next I blamed my wretched discontent on a urinary tract infection. Then on stress. But, now, I don't know what else to blame. So, lets just call a spade a spade and realize that PMS is not a myth or an excuse to be crabby but a true reality that decided to spare me the first 29 years of my life only to come back and bitchslap me.

If it were only the physical symptoms I think I could deal with it a little better. But oh no mother nature had to double dose me with both the physical agony and the emotional rollercoster.

Seriously, I'm pissed off at the world. And I really have no reason to be. Please, I'm begging you, to save yourself. DO NOT TALK TO ME! LEAVE ME ALONE IN THIS HORRIBLE EXSISTENCE. If this warning is not heeded, here is what to expect.

A. Extensive Eye-Rolling
B. Mean Spirited Name Calling
C. Crying
D. Temper Tantrums
E. All of the Above (and much, much more)

And this last for at least 2 weeks. The week before "the event" is full of bloating and heartburn and irritability and extreme exhaustion. Oh and constant fretting that I'm pregnant. No, I can't be pregnant. There's no way I'm pregnant. God would not let that happen. Afterall I've been through there is no possible way my body could allow a teeny, tiny baby to take up residency. It just wouldn't be fair to that precious little baby. But oh, how I would enjoy being pregnant again. I would totally enjoy it so much more than the last 3 times. And the itty bitty little bundle of absolute perfectness. And a 6 week maternity leave. But NOOOOOO! I can't be pregnant. This doesn't fit in my plan. In my husband's plan. In my family's plan. Plus, I just know I can't be pregnant. Maybe I should go buy a test....just to be sure. Yes, that's what I'll do. Just to be absolutely certain. Now go to sleep and we'll get that test in the morning.

Then "the event" happens just like I described this morning. And the moodiness increases and the bloating and cramping and my gawd I'm tired. I need a nap! AHHHHH!