Thursday, January 04, 2007

A New Year...A New Chapter in Life

In honor of the new year, I decided to give my blog a new look. Like it? So much has happened in 2006 that I can't believe it's already over. For the last few months, it felt as if time had slowly crept by and I was beginning to wonder if the year would ever come to an end. I guess that's how life goes when its going bad. I have so many things to be grateful for and I know that this year will bring about much change, excitement and heartache.

Chris and I started out our new year in Philadelphia watching the Eagles kick some butt. Then we toasted the new year at some local bar and walked 100 blocks back to our hotel room. I was sad to see the year go because it always saddens me to think about the passing of another year of my life. I always have high hopes for the new year and am always a little disappointed in the direction my life is headed by the end of each year.

2007 is bound to bring much change to my family. As many of you know, Chris and I are having some major problems in our marriage. We decided to separate at the end of October and I was hopeful the holidays and the new year would bring us back together. Unfortunately, though, it looks like we are headed further into separation and possibly divorce. Although, that is the last thing I think either of us want, we both want to be happy and I feel we both deserve to be loved. I haven't felt true love and affection in three years and I'm not sure if I'd know it when it hit me. But, I guess that is something I'll find out one of these days. We are continuing our counseling and spending time together as a family. However, I can no longer pretend that everything is going to be okay. I know in my heart that my life will be better than okay but I have to come to terms with the fact that it will most likely never be okay with Chris. It's a hard pill to swallow especially since I've given so much to our relationship and have enjoyed being married to him. On the other hand, do I deserve to stay married to someone who has flat out told me he doesn't want to be married? I think not.

So, my goal for this new year is to be happy without Chris in my life. It's time for me to move on and let go of the past (and all the baggage it brings with it). My kids are the most awesome blessings God could ever give me and I know through Him I will receive the strength I need to leave Chris and our relationship in the past and start anew! It won't be easy, but it will be worth it. I deserve better, damnit!