Thursday, December 13, 2007

What's going on...

So, this divorce thing is harder than I thought. Don’t get me wrong, I never thought it would be easy…just not so demanding. I think I may be losing the battle when it comes to doing it all. It amazes me how the media makes everything seem like kittens and sunshine. Sure, the movies show the hardship involved in the crumbling of a once happy family…for like 30 seconds. Then the world as the divorcee knows it is a much better place. In real life, or at least my life, those 30 seconds are more like a year and counting.

The battle in court has just begun. A battle I was hoping to forgo and ease into a fair settlement. To the contrary, fair does not seem to be a word in the ex’s vocabulary. I guess that was the first clue in the demise of our marriage. As the battle pursues, I’m grasping at straws to keep it all together. As if working forty plus hours a week and raising three small children wasn’t enough, now the holidays are among us. With no financial settlement in sight, it sucks to have to seriously look into the big, bad B word. Although many people have swallowed their pride and took the claim of bankruptcy, I am not most people. I have always been able to handle any situation I got myself in. And, if that were the case, I’d be able to handle this as well. Unfortunately as the not so happy fairy tale of young love goes, I was naive. I believed in true love, trust and commitment. So much that I had no qualms about putting all of our purchases in my name only…even so much in giving my husband access to several credit cards. Even though Visa wouldn’t even issue him one due to his bad credit. Oh, gawd, how hindsight can bite you in the arse. Needless to say, I should have been more like Visa than a trusting wife. So with Christmas only 10 days away and very few presents to show for it, the bittersweet present I will be getting my family is the freedom from the irresponsible debt of the not so dearly divorced. It’s either that or a cardboard box and a bicycle built for four.

As the weather gets colder and society takes comfort in their loved ones, I am beginning to reflect on the life unfolding before me. No where in my childhood did I say, when I grow up I want to be flat ass broke, divorced by 28 with three kids to support ON MY OWN. Funny how life doesn’t work out the way we thought it would when we were nine. Or at least mine hasn’t. I’ve been partying it up on my weekends without the kids. Hanging with single friends, perusing the bar scene, scouting out cute guys ….basically living like I was 21. I’ve been living a double life. Mama by day and Hoochie Mama by night. I can no longer try to live a life that is not mine. Every mother deserves a night out with friends, but not night after night of blatant intoxication. Although I’d be a liar if I said that I didn’t have fun. But all good times have to come to an end. My realization came last weekend. At four in the morning, after way too many cocktails, I found myself arguing with the friend that meant the most to me. Even though he didn’t have many nice things to say…he said exactly what I needed to hear. And I’m thankful for a friend like that. True friends have the courage to tell you the truth…whether you like it or not.

So I sit here tonight and re-evaluate what direction I want my life to go. How do you find that balance between being a professional, a mom, a friend, a sister, a daughter and not lose yourself completely? How do you have it all with out compromising something? Is it really possible? Can I still have my fairy tale ending? Will I get the happily ever after?