Today is the first full day of school for the kids. It is also my first day home alone with the baby. As much as I was longing for this day, it hasn't been all that I was expecting it to be.
I made a little visit to the nurse practitioner at my primary care office this morning. Although I've managed to keep it together as best as I could over the past two months, it has become obvious that my emotions are getting the best of me. The crying and pouting and temper tantrums and the uncontrollable urge to throw things just don't seem fitting for a mother of four. So, I admitted defeat and sought the help of some pharmaceuticals.
Which would make this day a success if that is how it all played out.
Instead, though, I spent an hour with the nurse explaining my symptoms. After settling on a good medicinal plan of action, she would be calling in my prescriptions as soon as my doctor signed off on them. As I went to checkout, I learned the practice no longer accepts my insurance. Begrudgingly I wrote a check to cover my visit and told myself it was worth the outrageous amount of money I was spending to have something that would make me feel like my normally pleasant self instead of this raging lunatic that has possessed my mind and body.
If the story ended there, all would be well.
However, a couple hours later the receptionist at the doctor's office called me. My doctor has decided not to call in the prescriptions but would like to see me instead. He wants to do some blood work.
Which would be fine if they accepted my insurance.
It is nice that they are willing to work with me on the cost, but considering what I paid today for an office visit plus the cost of lab tests, it would not be a financially smart decision.
Plus, why did they even bother scheduling an appointment for me with the nurse practitioner if I was just going to have to come back to see the doctor?
I tried my best, but that receptionist got an ear full.
Now, I wait. I wait to see how the doctor wants to proceed.
I don't mean to sound crass, but seriously I just need the drugs. Even just a 30 day prescription would help. I just need to get over the hump. Why is this so difficult?
It is so quiet in the house right now.
I miss my kids already.
I'm scared of how things are going to turn out if I don't get my emotions under control.
I'm trying desperately to keep it together.
Monday, August 22, 2011
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3 comments:
Hang in there!!!! (I know, WAY easier said than done when you are struggling with something difficult)!! I hope they are able to work things out for you witin the doctors office and with the meds, at least temporarily until they can get things permanently fixed. Good luck!
I'll be praying for you!!!!
I don't know if it will help to tell you "been there!"....at the very least I hope it assures you that you are not alone, and more pointedly NORMAL. I seriously thought my husband would have to committ me to an institution when baby #2 arrived....then I was terrified the same thing would happen when baby #3 was due. But it didn't. I don't know if things were easier because I finally had a handle on things *snort - like that's ever entirely possible*, or I was just more prepared. But the thing is...I made it through! So will you. Will keep you in our prayers. Remember..God cares about even the trials of mommies!
You are NEVER alone!
Although having babies never affected me like that, I have been affected by it during other years of my life. I sought help 2 years ago and I have never looked back :)
You are completely normal, and it is so so great that you have opened up about it. I think sometimes us women are too afraid to admit we aren't living the 'perfect' life all because of hormonal issues or chemical imbalances or whatever other tag it might have...You're not choosing these feelings, it's your body. I am sorry to hear your insurance can't cover it, geez they make it hard for anyone needing/wanting help don't they...keep your chin up xo
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