Pour Your Heart Out: What I Should Have Said Months Ago

It's been awhile since I've blogged...I mean reallly blogged.  Sure, I've posted, but never really giving much than the stuff that's easy to talk about.  Mainly, it just didn't seem like I had anything good to say.  So much has changed in our lives over the last two years and with that stress, it was easy to lose sight of any good.  It's weird to try to recap the events that have shaped our new life.  During these trying times, I wasn't sure we'd ever emerge.

But we have....and it has FOREVER altered the course of our life.

In Septemeber of 2008, my husband lost hs job.  After reconciling our marriage only a few months earlier, we were now facing a loss of income.  Somehow we managed to make ends meet with very few sacrifices; confident we would resume our financial status in no time.  By the next summer, our savings was no longer and our income seemed to be getting smaller.  We stretched the money as far as we could and the state of the economy was not making the job search any easier.  By September of 2009 we were facing foreclosure.  In a panic, we packed what we could and moved our family into a house owned by relatives.  Let me tell you, the adjustment has not been easy.  The three kids are sharing a room and the current condition of the house as well as our bank account makes it virtually impossible to turn this house into a home.

Despite the circumstances, circumstances caused by our own choices, we have tried to remain grateful.  There are so many families out there in similar situations with far less options than us.  We now are beginning to see the full value of family.

Just about the time my family adjusted to this less privileged lifestyle, I went and did something most of you will think is crazy.  At the end of the first month of the year, I quit my job.  This left both my husband and I unemployed.

This decision to quit did not come lightly.  There are many reasons....too many reasons to list here....at least in this post.  But through and through, it was the right decision for me and my family.

It has been a full three months since I've worked.  Originally, I didn't think it would take long to break into a new field.  Now, I realize just how hard it is.  Even harder is that I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.  But I digrese.

This new adventure we are on has been bumpy.  There are days when I know we are doing the right thing.  There are days when I feel so lost and crippled with indecision.  There are days when all I do is love my family.  There are days when it's almost impossible to get out of bed.

As these days go on, I gain a clearer understanding of life.  Although new cars and fancy houses and oddles of money in the bank can make life seem easier, I know too well how materialism can reck your soul.  I also know the stress and anxiety of wondering how we are going to pay that next bill.  What I am learning from my exisitence is that I'm not in control of my life.  I have faith in God and believe that He does not give more than I can handle with His help.  I don't expect life to be easy, but I do believe that all things are possible with God.

I've written this post in my head too many times to count.  And I always get to a point where I don't know what else to say.  Like I should be able to sum up some extraordinary life lesson the way a movie or a book would end.  But I guess that's just the thing.  I don't know the end of this story.  And everyday adds a new dimension.  Our lives continue to change and evolve.  My hope is to change and evolve with it.

I was reluctant to get so personal from a fear of being judged.  I know I'm not perfect, but I don't need to be reminded of my flaws continuously.  I think what brought me here today to finish this post is the hope that someone out there will understand and maybe, just maybe, I won't feel as alone in this world.