Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Pour Your Heart Out: What I Should Have Said Months Ago

It's been awhile since I've blogged...I mean reallly blogged.  Sure, I've posted, but never really giving much than the stuff that's easy to talk about.  Mainly, it just didn't seem like I had anything good to say.  So much has changed in our lives over the last two years and with that stress, it was easy to lose sight of any good.  It's weird to try to recap the events that have shaped our new life.  During these trying times, I wasn't sure we'd ever emerge.

But we have....and it has FOREVER altered the course of our life.

In Septemeber of 2008, my husband lost hs job.  After reconciling our marriage only a few months earlier, we were now facing a loss of income.  Somehow we managed to make ends meet with very few sacrifices; confident we would resume our financial status in no time.  By the next summer, our savings was no longer and our income seemed to be getting smaller.  We stretched the money as far as we could and the state of the economy was not making the job search any easier.  By September of 2009 we were facing foreclosure.  In a panic, we packed what we could and moved our family into a house owned by relatives.  Let me tell you, the adjustment has not been easy.  The three kids are sharing a room and the current condition of the house as well as our bank account makes it virtually impossible to turn this house into a home.

Despite the circumstances, circumstances caused by our own choices, we have tried to remain grateful.  There are so many families out there in similar situations with far less options than us.  We now are beginning to see the full value of family.

Just about the time my family adjusted to this less privileged lifestyle, I went and did something most of you will think is crazy.  At the end of the first month of the year, I quit my job.  This left both my husband and I unemployed.

This decision to quit did not come lightly.  There are many reasons....too many reasons to list least in this post.  But through and through, it was the right decision for me and my family.

It has been a full three months since I've worked.  Originally, I didn't think it would take long to break into a new field.  Now, I realize just how hard it is.  Even harder is that I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.  But I digrese.

This new adventure we are on has been bumpy.  There are days when I know we are doing the right thing.  There are days when I feel so lost and crippled with indecision.  There are days when all I do is love my family.  There are days when it's almost impossible to get out of bed.

As these days go on, I gain a clearer understanding of life.  Although new cars and fancy houses and oddles of money in the bank can make life seem easier, I know too well how materialism can reck your soul.  I also know the stress and anxiety of wondering how we are going to pay that next bill.  What I am learning from my exisitence is that I'm not in control of my life.  I have faith in God and believe that He does not give more than I can handle with His help.  I don't expect life to be easy, but I do believe that all things are possible with God.

I've written this post in my head too many times to count.  And I always get to a point where I don't know what else to say.  Like I should be able to sum up some extraordinary life lesson the way a movie or a book would end.  But I guess that's just the thing.  I don't know the end of this story.  And everyday adds a new dimension.  Our lives continue to change and evolve.  My hope is to change and evolve with it.

I was reluctant to get so personal from a fear of being judged.  I know I'm not perfect, but I don't need to be reminded of my flaws continuously.  I think what brought me here today to finish this post is the hope that someone out there will understand and maybe, just maybe, I won't feel as alone in this world.


Shell said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Sounds like you have been going through some tough times. It's hard to know if we are doing the right thing. I hope that things will look up for you soon.

Thanks for linking up.

Michelle said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I know I don't say this much but I do look up to you. You have been through so much and you still try and stay positive as best you can. You are such a wonderful mother and aunt that any child could ask for. You are there for especially my child when I can't be. And no thanks will ever be enough to cover that. You are truly a sister and I am very lucky to have you in our crazy family. Love you always!! :)

Brandi said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

You're not alone. I'm a SAHM and in Sept. of '09 hubby unexpectedly lost his job. In Dec., still unemployed and no longer w/med insurance, I found out I was pregnant w/our 4th child (our youngest was only 9mo old at the time). We've blown through our savings, had to cash out the kids' college funds to keep our mortgage paid, and had to make numerous uncomfortable changes and sacrifices. No fun.

Hubby has a job now, but he had to take one making so much less than he made last year, it's not even funny.

Oddly, our family is closer than it has ever been, our faith is stronger, and we're making it. Barely... but that still counts for something.

Hang in there, and just keep believing. He will see you through this and it will get better.

Tylaine said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Sounds like you've gone through a lot. I admire your positive attitude. I can so relate to a lot of what you said. :) Thanks for sharing :)
Stopped over from PYHO :)

Renee said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Thank you for the love in the comments. I appreciate all of the emotional support!