Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Slowly Healing

Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve been home alone?!?! Honestly, until tonight can’t remember when my house was so empty.  After a long and stressful week and a late night Friday event for my work, Chris took the kids to their Nana’s for a sleep-over.  When I got home, he was planning for guys night out.  Although I was more than invited, I could tell that Chris really just needed to spend some time with the guys. 

I bowed out of the invite graciously and slipped into my fleece pants and hoodie.  I reheated a leftover crab-stuffed steak, grabbed a bottle of wine and a glass and cuddled up for my date with TiVo.  I was a little disappointed that Chris didn’t really want my company tonight, but quickly recovered when I decided to watch quality T.V. like Tori and Dean and the Soup and all the crap Chris hates.

As the time crept into the early morning hours, I still found myself glued to the T.V.  I didn’t want to stop watching. It was like one of those car crashes where you don’t really want to look but can’t not look either.  The programming was just that.  But, really, I just don’t think I wanted to start another day.  The evening in a house that was absolutely silent and calm would all come to an abrupt end the moment I were to wake.  I just couldn’t bring myself to that yet. Saturday would bring another day of work, kid activities, housecleaning and normal life.  Normal life is scary….especially since I just wanted to be alone.

Eventually, my body won over my mind and I went to bed. Surprisingly, it wasn’t so bad when the alarm went off at 6am.  I only snoozed twice before I was up and ready to start the day.  I knew I had commitments beyond just work…commitments to my kids.  It was much easier to find the motivation to face the day when it was for my babies.  An early morning fishing derby with their grandpa was what made it easier for me to get out of bed. During the past few weeks, getting up in the morning was darn near impossible.  Sleep became an escape from the stress and pressure of everyday life.  My dreams were manageable and happy.  I convinced myself that one day I’d wake up and  have all the answers I’m searching for.  But until that day came, I needed to stay unconscious. Definitely not healthy but neither is my stomach doing somersaults and my hair falling out because of the stress.

What I learned though, is that I need to listen to my body and soul.  Carrying so much weight on my shoulders is bound to break me.  And instead of forging ahead despite the weight, I need to rest and recharge regularly.  This is so much easier to talk about then it is for me to do.  I’m sure I’m not alone in this internal battle  Being a wife, a mother, and employee and still maintaining individuality and integrity is the essence of living.  Finding the balance is as easy as finding the Fountain of Youth.  How do you do it all and be happy?