Blindsided

My head is a swirling mess. I can't figure out where I went so wrong. My mind keeps replaying all of the events of yesterday desperately trying to find some semblance of reasoning. How could I have not seen it coming? What could I have done differently? Why? How will I go on? My eyes are nothing but red, swollen dots on my head. Tears keep streaming down my face. I don't know how to fix this. I feel so out of control. Maybe it can't be fixed. That, THAT is what scares the CRAP out of me. My heart is broken. I've never hurt this bad before. The world keeps moving around me. But I'm not moving. I'm stuck. Stuck in the moments of loss and grief. Wondering, constantly wondering, how I could have kept this from happening. How did I fail to see it? How could I have been so SO wrong?

What hurts the most is the facade I am forced to show to the world. Truly, all I want is to climb back to the moments right before this revelation and never move forward. But, I can't turn back the clock. I can't erase the things I've learned. Yet, the world is not allowing me to process it either. I just want to lay in bed and cry. For hours, days, weeks, months. However long it takes. But, I can't. I must keep moving. Forging ahead into a life that has so much uncertainty that I cannot fathom what will happen in the next hour much less the next few years. I'm lost and hurting. But cannot show that to anyone.

I have to be strong. I have to put on the smiling face. I have to pretend that everything is fine.

I'm dying inside. I'm hurt. Lonely. Miserable.